An Open Letter to my Calling

I wish you can talk and answer the questions in my head.

Thinking about you this much makes me crazy, I am lost searching for reasons why I must still hold on.

Smelling the aroma of brewed coffee on a fine Sunday, it suddenly came to my mind why I still continue pursuing you, I closed my eyes and recalled a day in October three years ago.

It was a life-changing one, an event I did not expect. Yet I know it’s the perfect answer to what I am looking.

Attachment is a traitor.

You are the one that makes me whole, and at the same time you are the one that breaks me to my very little pieces.

I must admit you have helped me realize my dreams more and molded me to become a better person. Yet even if it’s hurtful on my part, I must say, I have fought hard for you for the past few months.

You have become everything to me and I can’t imagine leaving you in an instant. Yet I feel like I have become very tired and empty, with no single ounce of hope left for you and me.

I wish this is just a phase that I have to overcome. I wish this is just you teaching me another lesson to still choose you despite the ifs and buts. I wish this too shall pass.

As I think things through, it came to my mind that maybe I am not meant to be in this calling. What if maybe I am just trying to make myself believe that it’s really you and me? What if I am at a wrong place all these years?

Lately I realized that it’s no longer the same like three years ago. The joy I feel whenever I wake up to see you everyday was replaced with disappointment. The trust in my self whenever I face you was replaced with doubt. The faith I have in you was replaced with uncertainty. Maybe this is the world telling me that things have really changed already and I have to choose if this battle is still worth the fight.

Now, I am not quite not sure if choosing you three years ago was the right decision. But I know at one point in my life, you are that one thing I always wanted and prayed for.

Despite the challenges we’re now facing, you are still one thing I won’t regret that I pursued. But I hope you will allow me to go if this is really no longer working. I hope you would let me answer another call.

If you want me to stay a little more, please don’t make it hard for me. Sustain me and assure me that everything’s going to be alright. Always remind me why I have to stay.

I am longing for your voice.

I wish you can talk and answer the questions in my head.


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