I have loved you in the most discreet way I can because I am afraid to lose you once you know.
Before I met you, I was so desolate and naïve about love then suddenly you came and everything changed. I felt like there was a part of me that suddenly came alive. I did not choose to feel it yet I know I was soaked to the idea of ‘us’ for quite a long time.
It was a happy ‘almost’ for us. I remember the days when your name first appeared in my Facebook chat box just a minute after I log in, I felt like you were waiting for me to dive into the social world and meet you there. I never paid too much attention to it because I like someone else. You started sharing to me your random feelings about school, people, and life in general. I did not find it sweet that time and I honestly find it weird. You are a person who knew me personally but I only knew you by name. I tried to browse your photos to recall who you are, but I am never good at remembering people’s faces so I just brushed it off. One afternoon, you saw me outside school and called me, you introduced yourself and finally, I met you.
You are a nice person. You taught me things that I never gave much attention to. You think really deep that sometimes I have to read between the lines to understand you. I remember a day when we were talking at the school park and randomly told me, “There is this one quote from Paolo Coelho that I really like, it says, ‘And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.” I got puzzled but was impressed for some reason. You are passionate in helping others which I think we have in common. We had insightful conversations on how to make the world a better place. We always wanted to offer ourselves in service. I admired the goodness of your heart, your intelligence, your deepness, and your selflessness. You are a wonderful person and you should know that.
We started hanging out frequently, but one day you just disappeared.
You left me when I’ve already fallen for you. I never asked because I felt like I don’t have the right. My life went on. Our circle was small and we often see each other, I am civil to you but deep inside I’d like to drag you and ask why. I controlled my emotions and treated you normal. I thought I am completely over it that time, little did I know that every time I try to be a friend to you, there is still this small room of hope in my heart that maybe it can be ‘our story’ again. But probably Fritzgerald was right, we can never have the same love twice.
I held you in my heart for a long time without you knowing. I tried to scrap off what we had and continue to be in your life because I thought I can’t survive not knowing how you are doing. I tried to date other people, but at the end of the day, my standard is always you.
Change has been tremendous for the both us. We became the person we always wanted to be. We had our individual struggles, victories, accomplishments, and frustrations. All those experiences re-shaped our thoughts, beliefs and actions.
I understand how life treated you, how you cope with it. How other people helped you go through those struggles and there are times I wished I was that person who stood beside you. I appreciated how you value them, it brought me to the realization that I am not the person that you need. I know I can’t give you the self-worth that you felt when you were with them. I can’t be a cheerleader who can always pick you up. I can’t always understand your thoughts and beliefs. I can’t always make myself available. Like you, I’ve also changed.
I thought it was just a phase and sooner everything will fall to its right place, apparently it’s not. I know I love you but I cannot love you the same. That’s why I am giving you up. It is not a selfish choice because I know you’ve dropped me from your life a long time ago already. This is actually a late decision for me.
For years now, this is the only time that I cared for my own feelings. I am choosing to walk away because I want to finally save myself from deep pain, I want to search for the things that I think I deserve, I want to see how my world will be without you, I want to give other people an opportunity to love me.
I am thankful to God for letting me know you. I am thankful for the friendship and our almost. I am thankful how you cared for me before. I am thankful for your trust and honesty. I hope you are also thankful for knowing me.
You are one of my favorite books, that I will always want to re-read. But at the same time, you are a movie, that I am not yet ready to watch.
Maybe this heart needs a lot of time to detach from you, unlove you, and love you again someday as the new you.
One day I will look back and I will be glad to see you again.
But today, I am certain that I am choosing goodbye.
Thank you and please know that I loved you.
‘Till we meet again.